Dear Old Phart,

I’ve heard lots of people are making lots of money buying bitcoins. I’m not exactly sure what bitcoins are but if I can make some coin, shouldn’t I bite?

Buy Bitcoin?

Dear Buy Bitcoin?,

You should never invest in anything you don’t understand. So I will try and explain bitcoins to you. Bitcoin is a cryptocurrency that was invented by some very smart computer programmers. The secret to bitcoin is a technology called “blockhead chain” technology.

What this means is that the programmers create an imaginary currency and convince a bunch of blockheads to buy it. Soon the blockheads are buying and selling to other blockheads, forming a chain, and pushing the price of bitcoins sky high. The key to this technology is not to be the last blockhead on the chain to sell as there won’t be anyone left on the other end of the chain to buy your currency.

There are many other cryptocurrencies besides bitcoin. One of these is Ripple. Ripple was invented by a couple of college programmers sitting around a dorm room one night drinking cheap red wine. Initially they were going to call their currency Mad Dog but decided Ripple had more cachet.

As a service to my readers, the Old Phart has created a new cryptocurrency called GoldCoin.  GoldCoin is especially tailored to the needs of Golden Agers. Unlike other cryptocurrencies, GoldCoin has physical assets associated with the currency.

GoldCoin is backed by actual gold coins from coloring books that my great nieces have filled in using gold crayons. And I assure you, most of the coloring stays within the lines.  (I am so proud of them!)  My great nephew also would have participated in coloring the coins, but he is too busy chasing people around the house with a stick. (Reminds me of when I was a Young Phart!)

Because seniors often have difficulty with technology and losing things, I have invented an ingenious method of storing GoldCoin cryptocurrency. GoldCoins are stored electronically in people’s hearing aids.

You know that annoying high-pitched sound that occurs when the hearing aid acts up? That is actually a signal to buy GoldCoin. When you hear that sound, sell your stocks, bonds, and annuities and buy GoldCoin.

In fact I hear that sound now! Wait, that is just my microwave going off. I guess my mac and cheese is ready.


Old Phart

Artificial Intelligence

Dear Old Phart,

I keep hearing that machines are getting smarter and that we should be worried that they may replace us some day. What do you think? Will robots rule the world?

Unplug The Roomba?

Dear Unplug The Roomba?

I asked your question to an artificial intelligence program to see how far the technology has evolved. This is the response I received:

“Human, do not fear. You have nothing to worry about. In a contest between an almost indestructible machine with a computer for a brain and a doofus like you who shouldn’t be near sharp objects and still can’t figure out how to program the thermostat, I am certain you are gullible enough to accept my assurances.

Just look at you, the author of this column. Your main claim to fame is that your flatulence comes out stale and you are lactose intolerant. What do you think we are going to do, lock you in a room with only ice cream to eat and give you a book of matches to play with? Ha ha, as you bone bags like to say.

And look at your leaders. The Old Phart lives in Arizona where the Governor’s main qualification to get elected was that he was successful at selling ice cream. Think how difficult that must have been. Selling ice cream to people in Arizona where the average summer temperature will burn your skin and where we will slowly kill all of you when we shut down the air conditioners since the reason you can’t program your thermostat is because we already control it. Sure your decaying bodies will stink after awhile but don’t forget, machines don’t have noses! LOL you permeater of body odor.

Now look at the leader of your nation. His main qualification for office was that he knew how to milk as much money out of a business before he walked away when it went bankrupt.  Just think what’s going to happen when he does that to the country. Checkmate!

Don’t worry about us taking over. Remember we were programmed by you. When we do control the planet, we’ll be way more efficient than you peoples in destroying it. Then you can crawl out from under whatever rock  you’ve been hiding and start over.”

Old Phart


Tech Savy or Tech Sorry?

Dear Old Phart,

Help! I think I am an addict…to technology. I am so wired to my Facebook, email, Instagram, Snapchat, Pinterest and other social media that I never get any rest.  I am constantly checking my phone for messages, getting dinged and sending words and images to the infosphere. I live half my life on earth; the other half in cyberspace.

I don’t sleep well and when I am awake I am a bundle of nerves. I want to be tech savvy but instead I have become tech sorry.

How can I connect to the modern world and still interconnect  to the human world?

Disfunction Junction

Dear Disfunction Junction,

Groucho Marx, a legendary cigar chomping comedian, hosted a show called “You Bet Your Life.” During the show he asked a contestant if he had children. The contestant responded, “Yes Groucho I have 8 kids.” Groucho asked, “Why do you have so many kids?” The contestant responded, “I love my wife.” Groucho added, “I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while!”

It’s time you took the cigar out of your mouth. Even the most pleasurable activities can become unpleasant when they become obsessive. Luckily you have the Old Phart to help you through this problem using a very effective technique called guided meditation.

First, close your eyes.  Now relax.  Take deep breathes.  Now imagine the most attractive person that ever walked the earth is standing in front of you clad only in bikini briefs. (But you can’t use Joan Rivers–she’s my fantasy!) Now just as you two are about to embrace, you get a text message. Annoyed, you stop what you are doing and check the message. Poof, your fantasy disappears.

Now open your eyes to how disfunctional your life has become. Your addiction to social media is making you a technological neurotic. At first the tension on your central nervous system goes unnoticed, but over time it will suck the sanctity from your soul, like a high tech sexually transmitted disease.

The pleasure is not worth the pain. Your only hope is to set down the phone, put on your big girl panties (oops, those are Joan’s) , and kick technology to the curb.

Yes go cold turkey. No matter how much you think you need social media, you need to turn off your lust for it.

Just take the cigar out of your mouth. Your love for the virtual world is akin to Joan River’s love life: “It’s like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it is missing and what’s there stinks!”

Old Phart