Taking A Knee

Dear Old Phart,

What’s all this controversy about football players kneeling during the national anthem? Whatever happened to respecting the flag? Do you love our country or are you one of those hippie communist nut jobs?

Which Side Are You On?

Dear Which Side Are You On?,

This is one of those controversies I really don’t get worked up about. My biggest concern right now is whether I can finish this in time to take a nap.

Just so you know, I would never kneel during the national anthem. My knees hurt when I kneel and at my age I’m not sure if I would be able to get up afterwards.

But enough about me. You don’t like football players kneeling during the national anthem? That’s easy enough to fix. Use your brain; try aversion therapy on the NFL.

Start a social media campaign calling out football players who kneel during the national anthem. Call them wimps. Say real men don’t kneel during the national anthem. Tell them if they were real men then they would kneel when it would actually take courage to get down on one knee…like in the locker room shower after the game!

Oh yeah. The first time one of those players takes a knee in the shower and finds themselves at eye level with Gronkowski’s schlong, it’ll be game over. Or perhaps they’ll find themselves staring at some tight end’s beefy behind. Such a vision will be burnt into their brain so brightly that they’ll never kneel any place anytime soon for fear of remembering that sight.

And I don’t think the other players will take too kindly with a teammate being eyes to eye with their privates. Don’t be surprised if this results in unnecessary roughness and unsportsmanlike conduct in the locker room.

So, problem solved.  See all you have to do is use your brain to address any dilemma. I’m so good. Maybe next time I’ll tackle something a little more challenging…like cutting toe nails when you’re old and your stomach gets  too big.

Old Phart

 

 

 

Tech Savy or Tech Sorry?

Dear Old Phart,

Help! I think I am an addict…to technology. I am so wired to my Facebook, email, Instagram, Snapchat, Pinterest and other social media that I never get any rest.  I am constantly checking my phone for messages, getting dinged and sending words and images to the infosphere. I live half my life on earth; the other half in cyberspace.

I don’t sleep well and when I am awake I am a bundle of nerves. I want to be tech savvy but instead I have become tech sorry.

How can I connect to the modern world and still interconnect  to the human world?

Disfunction Junction

Dear Disfunction Junction,

Groucho Marx, a legendary cigar chomping comedian, hosted a show called “You Bet Your Life.” During the show he asked a contestant if he had children. The contestant responded, “Yes Groucho I have 8 kids.” Groucho asked, “Why do you have so many kids?” The contestant responded, “I love my wife.” Groucho added, “I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while!”

It’s time you took the cigar out of your mouth. Even the most pleasurable activities can become unpleasant when they become obsessive. Luckily you have the Old Phart to help you through this problem using a very effective technique called guided meditation.

First, close your eyes.  Now relax.  Take deep breathes.  Now imagine the most attractive person that ever walked the earth is standing in front of you clad only in bikini briefs. (But you can’t use Joan Rivers–she’s my fantasy!) Now just as you two are about to embrace, you get a text message. Annoyed, you stop what you are doing and check the message. Poof, your fantasy disappears.

Now open your eyes to how disfunctional your life has become. Your addiction to social media is making you a technological neurotic. At first the tension on your central nervous system goes unnoticed, but over time it will suck the sanctity from your soul, like a high tech sexually transmitted disease.

The pleasure is not worth the pain. Your only hope is to set down the phone, put on your big girl panties (oops, those are Joan’s) , and kick technology to the curb.

Yes go cold turkey. No matter how much you think you need social media, you need to turn off your lust for it.

Just take the cigar out of your mouth. Your love for the virtual world is akin to Joan River’s love life: “It’s like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it is missing and what’s there stinks!”

Old Phart