Oh Gawd God!

Dear God,

I have prayed to you my whole life. I deeply believe in you and your greatness. I am overawed by your majesty. However sometimes I wonder what you are thinking when bad things happen. Are you just testing us?

True Believer

 

Dear True Believer:

First, I am not God. Your letter must have gotten mixed-up at the post office.

Second, unlike God, you can see me, feel me, touch me, and when I don’t change my socks, you can smell me too.

Third, I do not have God’s current address…he keeps moving. The last address I had for him was Salt Lake City but he left when Mitt Romney lost the Presidency. Rumor has it that he is now sharing an address with the Devil in Trump Tower but I understand through well-placed sources that this address might not be good for long. So instead of relying on the post office to deliver your letter to the right recipient (I don’t want the Devil  to get it by mistake), I will try and answer your question.

There is an ancient Hebrew prayer called the Shema. The English translation of the prayer is:”Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One.” The question is, the Lord is One what?

Is the Lord One Great Guy as miracles do happen?

Is the Lord One Big Shmuck as tragedies do occur?

Is the Lord One Ton A Mera? (He’s Hispanic!)

Is the Lord One Toke Over The Line? (He’s a stoner!)

Is the Lord One Mother Mary who comes to me? If so…let it be, let it be.

So here’s the rub. Religion tries to tell you who God is. In reality, God is whoever you want Him/Her to be.

You won’t believe it but I just finished talking to God. He’s a middle age American male who works a 40 hour week, makes $58,000 a year and gets a pension after 30 years. Yup, he’s the postman who delivered your letter to me. 🙂

Old Phart

Does Jesus Love Me?

Dear Old Phart,

Lately I feel depressed. I have always been religious but the way my life has been going lately, I have  my doubts. Does Jesus really love me?

Questioning

Dear Questioning,

It is natural to question your faith. One can learn religion but one has to find God.

Luckily, I have an easy and reliable test to determine if Jesus loves you. Send a large sum of money to me. Preferably more than you can afford. If something good happens to you after you do this, then Jesus loves you. If your life doesn’t change, than Jesus loves me.

Old Phart

Go Towards The Light

Dear Old Phart,

I have been engaged in a year-long search for spiritual enlightenment. I have studied all the world’s major religions and engaged with each of these groups. After exhaustive study, I have determined that the way of the Sufi is the chosen path for me.

My friends and relatives have mocked me and show utter disdain for my choice. Particularly bothersome has been the attitude of my wife who thinks I am joining a cult. I have tried to engage her in an intellectual discussion of my new found faith but as a former beauty pageant winner outward appearances overshadow her intellectual insight.

What should I do?

Show Me The Way

 

Dear Show Me,

There is a classic Sufi story about the mystic Nasrudin. A student happens upon Nasrudin one evening in front of his house searching for something. The student asks “what are you looking for?” Nasrudin replies, “I lost my house key.” The student asks, “where did you lose it?” Nasrudin replies “in the back yard.” “Then why are you looking in the front yard,” asks the student?” Nasrudin replies, ” because that is where the light is.”

What the story doesn’t tell is that Mrs. Nasrudin is inside the locked house getting porked by her next door neighbor. He found Nasarudin’s key in the backyard and now has easy access to Mrs. Nasrudin’s back door … if you know what I mean.

So yes, by all means, follow your chosen path and become a Sufi! As your spiritual mentor, I am interested in your journey. Please keep in touch and write to me about your experiences. Just remember to write your return address on the envelope; leave a key by the back door and always keep the front porch light on!

Old Phart