Manopause

Dear Old Phart,

I am a 54 year old woman and have entered that dreaded phase of life, menopause. I have hot flashes, irritability and sleepless nights. But the worse part is my husband. He is not understanding at all. In fact he is bugging me to take all these hormonal pills and creams, as if they are going to make me a young woman again. I’m nervous about taking these substances, some studies have shown them to cause cancer.

To make it worse, yesterday he handed me divorce papers. He said if I don’t start filling my body with estrogens he is going to leave me. What should I do?

Whose Body Is It?

Dear Whose Body Is It?:

By all means, go ahead and use the estrogen pills and creams…just don’t use them on yourself…use them on him!

Grind up the pills and put them in his coffee. Make his Irish Whiskey into I Wish I Wasn’t Such A Turkey Estrogen Cocktail. When you have your intimate moments, spice up your foreplay by slathering feminine hormonal cream all over his  private parts.

Within a short period of time you will find he won’t be as obnoxious and aggressive. His voice will get higher, his junk smaller and his man boobs bigger. Over time you will find that he will develop this annoying habit of wanting to cuddle with you constantly.

Still not satisfied with your situation? Remember he already filled out the divorce papers. Sign them, take everything he has and skip town. Join one of those groups where all the women wear red hats, take lots of cruises and learn to play mahjong.

If you do divorce him, resist the urge to stay in touch with your ex. After all there’s a good chance he will develop cancer from being exposed to all those hormones. He’ll probably want you to take care of him but do not–you took care of him already .

Old Phart

Forever Alone?

Dear Old Phart,

I’ve tried it all! Blind dates, set ups, online apps, meeting  guys at bars, at school or at work…. but I still can’t seem to find a “significant other”. What do you think is the best practice? Should I continue dating or just let it come to me? Or give up all together?

Forever Alone

Dear Forever Alone,

From your letter, and the enclosed picture of you sitting on your bed,  I can deduce three things:

  1. you have a substance abuse challenge – as shown by the empty beer bottle on your night stand with the half-smoked doobie balanced on top of it.  A less challenged person would have finished the blunt and left the beer bottle half empty.
  2. you like bad boys–as shown by the poster of the lead singer from the indie band Catastro hanging over your bed.  Stay away from him–he smells like underage teen spirit!
  3. you have a tendency towards sexual promiscuity–as shown by the fact that you are wearing an ASU t-shirt. Go Devils!

But the three character traits named above are not the root cause of your problem. In fact, they remind me of my daughter’s friends character traits–and many of them are happily married; including my daughter.

Your real problem is that you are addicted to emotional turmoil. You love the drama of relationships instead of focusing on the stability they can bring. Sure the short term highs of felt-up, make-up, break-up are exciting but after it’s over you find yourself at the starting gate again.

Change your dating perspective from having a good time to attaining a mate for the long run. Think marathon not the 50 yard dash.

You’ll still need to attend the meet markets, but to change your outcome you’ll need to modify your mating moves so you can meet a companion who merits such a magnificent Miss from Tempe!

Old Phart

 

Musical Merry-Go-Round

Dear Old Phart,

My boyfriend likes hip hop but I like popular contemporary music –think Taylor Swift. We are constantly arguing over song selection. Plus his music gives me a headache. How do I shake it off?

Whiz or Whizout Kahlifa

Dear Whiz,

One person’s symphony is another person’s cacophony. Ditch Kahlifa and find someone who listens to classic rock. He may have a few grey hairs but you can always get him to spring for a vacation at an exotic resort. Beats celebrating your birthday with Master Hip Hop at the local Steak and Shake.

Old Phart