Participation Trophies

Dear Old Phart,

My five-year old son is currently participating in a T-ball league. It’s one of those set-ups where every kid gets a trophy whether they win or lose. I think handing a kid a trophy when they lose destroys their competitive spirit and gives them a false sense of how life really works. How can I raise my child properly when all these liberal lame brains are trying to make kids feel good instead of showing them how life really works?

Teed Off

Dear Teed Off,

I have a training exercise for you and junior that will help establish the competitive atmosphere you are seeking and reinforce your parenting skills.

Instead of having him try and hit a ball from a stationary tee, balance the ball on top of your head. Then have him swing the bat at the ball as hard as he can so he can express how he really feels about dear ol’ Dad.

For Christ’s sake man, he’s just a 5 year old trying to learn a game. Whether he gets a trophy or not is not going to determine his fate for the rest of his life. What will mess him up though is having an over-competitive dickwad Dad whose parenting skills will turn the kid into a neurotic adult with multiple psychological issues.

When your youngster becomes a fully disfunctional adult  you probably will blame it on the participation trophy he received as a kid instead of the Dad who stole his childhood.

You need to get a life; just make sure it’s someone else’s besides your son’s.

Old Phart


Public or Private School

Dear Old Phart,

My husband and I are debating whether we should send our child to public, charter or private school. He will be entering kindergarten next year. What are your thoughts?

School Me

Dear School Me,

What’s that thumping noise? Oh my god it’s getting louder… Quick, take cover!  It’s a Huey attack helicopter …sh*t my Vietnam War PTSD is acting up…oh wait, I didn’t go to Vietnam.

No, that’s the sound of a modern helicopter…you’re becoming a helicopter parent. Whether you decide to send sonny boy to public or private school won’t make one whit of difference in whom your little prince  becomes.

School choice is more for the parent than the child. If you don’t send your kid to the more elite option you will be blaming the school for all his shortcomings.

The bigger problem is that you are neurotic millennial dickward parents. Your kid will grow up with huge emotional problems and no initiative because you’ll only allow him to go to scheduled play dates and structured functions.

You really want him to grow up? Let him walk to school unsupervised. Have bullies steal his lunch money. He won’t learn a thing until he has experienced a wedgie so extreme that his underwear is pulled over his head so tightly that his adolescence is delayed two years. Little Lord Fauntleroy will become so bitter at the world that he’ll grow up to become an asshole entrepreneur who rips people off, but at least  he will survive in a post Trumpian society.

If you keep babying Master Bater he’ll have no clue how to survive on his own and will end up living in your basement far longer than you want. What you don’t have a basement? So where is that muffled sound coming from…

Old Phart