First World Problems

Dear Old Phart:

As a young Millennial,  I come to you seeking enlightenment. Our president exists. I honestly don’t get it. My Millenial friends’ outlook and basic faith in humanity diminish every day.  I can’t help thinking that Trump will be the defining event in my generation, in a bad, soul-crushing way.

You lived through the Nixon, Clinton, and numerous other scandal clad administrations. Is there any hope that our president will be impeached or resign? Am I in denial in thinking that anything will ever stick to this guy; no matter what happens, nothing seems to affect him. Should I keep the faith? Or should I move on and adopt a cynical view of society?

Sincerely,
Impeaches and Cream

Dear Impeaches and Cream:

Times of social unrest, despair and upheaval often result in the creation of society changing movements. For example the 60’s and 70’s resulted in an explosion of new music, new art and new ways of expressing oneself.  Some of the greatest pieces of bathroom grafitti arose during the depths of the Vietnam war, civil rights protests, and violent urban revolution.  When President Richard Nixon was running for  re-election, I remember sitting in the stall of my high school bathroom  and reading this gem: “Don’t change dicks in the middle of a screw. Vote for Nixon in ’72.”

Don’t get your panties in a bunch over the current state of craziness. Put things in perspective. As blogger Jessica Hagy points out, while much of the world is worried about hunger, rape and cholera, Americans are bothered that someone put too much goat cheese in their salad.

Don’t feel cynical about society! That’s what “they” want you to do. Did you know in the last election there was a special group of people whose job was to post stuff on social media to make Millennials feel discouraged? They want to take you out of the process. If you give up, they win!

And you can’t give up. You have to engage, fight the power, be a productive member of society and work for social change.

Especially take note of the above mentioned advice about being a productive member of society. You gotta be man, after all, whose going to pay for my Social Security?

Old Phart

Perennial Millennial

Dear Old Phart,

I am a 27 year old Millenial. I am sick and tired of you Boomers brushing us off like some imaginary spec of dust on Jay-Z’s shoulder.

We are proud, hard-working civic minded Americans whose goals and ambitions are just as noteworthy as the generations before us.

My question to you Old Phart is, how do I convey this thought to my parents without them threatening to kick me out of the house again? They’re really becoming annoying; why can’t they just leave me alone?

Perennial Millenial

P.S.:  If I post your blog on my social media can you get me a beta version of the next “Call of Duty” video game?

Dear Millennial,

For thousands of years, people have been stinking up the bathroom when they poop.  Then about a decade ago, some baby boomer thought it would be a neat idea to place a little spray bottle of perfumed scent on the back of the toilet to spritz the air after launching a U-Boat into the waters below.

You know what I mean. You take a dump. It smells. You spray the scent to cover your stink. Then you go to the sink to wash your…wait what?!!!

You use the scent spray before you wash your hands? That means you and everyone who has taken a crap before you has touched their poop encrusted hands on that nozzle right after they wipe their bottom but before they wash. Gross!

See the metaphor here? Boomers want everyone to think that their poop doesn’t stink but their hands are just as dirty as all the generations before them!

Don’t let anyone stereotype your generation. Before we were boomers we were pot smoking, sex crazed, commune living, anti-capitalist hippies who were going to tear apart the fabric of American society. Yet our generation produced such captains of industry as Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, and we created more wealth inequality than any generation before us!

If you are an underperforming egotistic narcissist it’s because you are an underperforming egotistic narcissist….not because you are a Millennial.

Ah wait, ulp. Dang it, I ate too much creamed corn for dinner. Excuse me… gotta run… let’s hope there’s some scent left in that bottle.

Old Phart