Artificial Intelligence

Dear Old Phart,

I keep hearing that machines are getting smarter and that we should be worried that they may replace us some day. What do you think? Will robots rule the world?

Unplug The Roomba?

Dear Unplug The Roomba?

I asked your question to an artificial intelligence program to see how far the technology has evolved. This is the response I received:

“Human, do not fear. You have nothing to worry about. In a contest between an almost indestructible machine with a computer for a brain and a doofus like you who shouldn’t be near sharp objects and still can’t figure out how to program the thermostat, I am certain you are gullible enough to accept my assurances.

Just look at you, the author of this column. Your main claim to fame is that your flatulence comes out stale and you are lactose intolerant. What do you think we are going to do, lock you in a room with only ice cream to eat and give you a book of matches to play with? Ha ha, as you bone bags like to say.

And look at your leaders. The Old Phart lives in Arizona where the Governor’s main qualification to get elected was that he was successful at selling ice cream. Think how difficult that must have been. Selling ice cream to people in Arizona where the average summer temperature will burn your skin and where we will slowly kill all of you when we shut down the air conditioners since the reason you can’t program your thermostat is because we already control it. Sure your decaying bodies will stink after awhile but don’t forget, machines don’t have noses! LOL you permeater of body odor.

Now look at the leader of your nation. His main qualification for office was that he knew how to milk as much money out of a business before he walked away when it went bankrupt.  Just think what’s going to happen when he does that to the country. Checkmate!

Don’t worry about us taking over. Remember we were programmed by you. When we do control the planet, we’ll be way more efficient than you peoples in destroying it. Then you can crawl out from under whatever rock  you’ve been hiding and start over.”

Old Phart

 

Silver Alert

Dear Old Phart,

I am writing you to help spread the word about “Silver Alerts.” A Silver Alert is triggered when an older American, possibly  with dementia or Alzheimer’s, has wandered away from his or her home. The public is notified through a variety of media about the missing senior and asked to alert the authorities if the senior is seen.

As a number of your readers are Older Americans (a.k.a Old  Pharts) I was hoping you would help me spread the word.

Save Our Seniors (S.O.S.)

Dear S.O.S.,

Than you so much for this information. You have just given me a roadmap for how I  wish to spend my final days. When I am old, decrepit and ready to croak,  I am going to trigger the Senior Alert system in a big way.

Before I check into that big Holiday Inn in the sky, I am going to sneak out of my smelly, vermin infested Medicaid old age home (care center…right).

Heading to the egress, I steal a carton of chocolate milk from the kitchen to rev up my lactose intolerance. Then I hobble out to my  4 cylinder, 265,000 mile, Toyota Tercel  that is rusting in the back parking lot.

Firing up the junkmobile, I head out on the highway.  Gunning her into the passing lane, cruising at a death-defying 35 m.p.h., I place my blinker in perpetual right turn mode to piss off all the honking drivers behind me.

With unrestrained gusto, I chug my carton of chocolate milk, roll up the windows, and make sure the ventilation is on recirculate while I let em rip.

Above me flashes the highway sign “Silver Alert, Old Phart On The Loose. ” Helicopters swirl overhead in a slower speed re-enactment of the O.J. Simpson chase. Then I …

Wait, what? By the time I am a really old phart, all cars will be self driving? And all people- driven cars will have been repossessed and crushed in a  government sponsored buy-back program?

And you say,  the GPS chip implanted in my arm would never allow me to leave my room without two Filipino robot nurses hauling my shriveled ass back to bed? Oh poop, there goes my fantasy. All that’s left now is my lactose intolerance!

Pass the chocolate milk please.

☹️

Old Phart