Dear Old Phart,
I am writing you to help spread the word about “Silver Alerts.” A Silver Alert is triggered when an older American, possibly with dementia or Alzheimer’s, has wandered away from his or her home. The public is notified through a variety of media about the missing senior and asked to alert the authorities if the senior is seen.
As a number of your readers are Older Americans (a.k.a Old Pharts) I was hoping you would help me spread the word.
Save Our Seniors (S.O.S.)
Than you so much for this information. You have just given me a roadmap for how I wish to spend my final days. When I am old, decrepit and ready to croak, I am going to trigger the Senior Alert system in a big way.
Before I check into that big Holiday Inn in the sky, I am going to sneak out of my smelly, vermin infested Medicaid old age home (care center…right).
Heading to the egress, I steal a carton of chocolate milk from the kitchen to rev up my lactose intolerance. Then I hobble out to my 4 cylinder, 265,000 mile, Toyota Tercel that is rusting in the back parking lot.
Firing up the junkmobile, I head out on the highway. Gunning her into the passing lane, cruising at a death-defying 35 m.p.h., I place my blinker in perpetual right turn mode to piss off all the honking drivers behind me.
With unrestrained gusto, I chug my carton of chocolate milk, roll up the windows, and make sure the ventilation is on recirculate while I let em rip.
Above me flashes the highway sign “Silver Alert, Old Phart On The Loose. ” Helicopters swirl overhead in a slower speed re-enactment of the O.J. Simpson chase. Then I …
Wait, what? By the time I am a really old phart, all cars will be self driving? And all people- driven cars will have been repossessed and crushed in a government sponsored buy-back program?
And you say, the GPS chip implanted in my arm would never allow me to leave my room without two Filipino robot nurses hauling my shriveled ass back to bed? Oh poop, there goes my fantasy. All that’s left now is my lactose intolerance!
Pass the chocolate milk please.