Prodigal Son

Dear Old Phart,

My husband and I are hard working, God fearing, Kansas farmers. Our problem is the youngest son. He’s not like the rest of us. He wears fancy jeans, uses product in his hair and likes to cook! My husband and I have spent many sleepless nights discussing what is wrong with him.

I even hate writing the word but we have our suspicions. Yes, we think our son may be metrosexual. What should we do?

At Wit’s End

Dear At Wit’s End:

I can clearly see what’s keeping you up at night. I personally didn’t have a challenge with metrosexuality when I was young.  As a kid, I was a slob. My parents didn’t have to worry about me cooking, cleaning or looking presentable. When company came over, they just shut the door to my room — with me in it.

But I think I can help. First, don’t panic…your son may not be metrosexual, you need to find out first.

As a test, have him cook up some chicken fried steak with gravy. Now this is the important part: check the gravy.

Is it lumpy like a normal person should like gravy or does your son purée it? If the gravy is smooth as silk, well that’s not a good sign.  Also, how does he season the gravy? Does he use regular seasoning like salt and  pepper or, god forbid, does he use exotic spices like paprika and chili flakes?  If you see any red stuff floating in the gravy…well…again not a good sign.

I’m sure you are worried about metrosexuality because you are good church-going Christians. But do not panic. Jesus says nothing about metrosexuality in the Bible. Also Jesus and his twelve disciples were grown men but only one could be confirmed as being married–so eleven of the twelve definitely were not metrosexual!

Now John the Baptist might have been. He was married, was a firm proponent of heterosexual marriage and had a hang-up about keeping clean and taking baths.  So he might have been a metrosexual.

Now if you do confirm your son is a metrosexual, take a deep breath. I am told on good authority that metrosexuality skips a generation. So you do not have to worry about your grandchildren.

Grandpa however is an entirely different story…how does he like his gravy?

Old Phart

Single Mom Dating

Dear Old Phart,

I am a 33 year old single mom of two. I work a full time job, get no sleep and barely have time to write this. My friends are constantly trying to fix me up and encourage me to date.  I admit that sometimes I think some male companionship would be nice, but I have no energy to pursue. What’s your advice?

Wake Me Up When You Respond

 

Wakey-Wakey Dear,

I have one word for you: lesbianism.  For the life of me, I don’t get why chicks dig dudes. Most of us are butt ugly, have hygiene challenges and sport an unfathomable obsession with games that involve balls.

Find a lovely lass who will help you with the kids, share the housework and  genuinely enjoys watching HGTV with you. Granted occasionally you will have to go to Australia (down under) but it’s no worse than eating day old spinach artichoke dip.

So forget the serving of petulant pickle and entertain a well-manicured muffin.  Why date a mate with a balding pate and back hair…just go queer my dear!

Old Phart