Artificial Intelligence

Dear Old Phart,

I keep hearing that machines are getting smarter and that we should be worried that they may replace us some day. What do you think? Will robots rule the world?

Unplug The Roomba?

Dear Unplug The Roomba?

I asked your question to an artificial intelligence program to see how far the technology has evolved. This is the response I received:

“Human, do not fear. You have nothing to worry about. In a contest between an almost indestructible machine with a computer for a brain and a doofus like you who shouldn’t be near sharp objects and still can’t figure out how to program the thermostat, I am certain you are gullible enough to accept my assurances.

Just look at you, the author of this column. Your main claim to fame is that your flatulence comes out stale and you are lactose intolerant. What do you think we are going to do, lock you in a room with only ice cream to eat and give you a book of matches to play with? Ha ha, as you bone bags like to say.

And look at your leaders. The Old Phart lives in Arizona where the Governor’s main qualification to get elected was that he was successful at selling ice cream. Think how difficult that must have been. Selling ice cream to people in Arizona where the average summer temperature will burn your skin and where we will slowly kill all of you when we shut down the air conditioners since the reason you can’t program your thermostat is because we already control it. Sure your decaying bodies will stink after awhile but don’t forget, machines don’t have noses! LOL you permeater of body odor.

Now look at the leader of your nation. His main qualification for office was that he knew how to milk as much money out of a business before he walked away when it went bankrupt.  Just think what’s going to happen when he does that to the country. Checkmate!

Don’t worry about us taking over. Remember we were programmed by you. When we do control the planet, we’ll be way more efficient than you peoples in destroying it. Then you can crawl out from under whatever rock  you’ve been hiding and start over.”

Old Phart

 

Smelly Farts

Dear Old Phart,

I am having this issue of loud smelly farts! I stopped dairy and it seemed to get worse. I stopped meat and got even worse, I stopped raw salad and it stayed about the same so I gave up cooked veggie’s and the farts go so loud I couldn’t believe it came from me. So I quit all whites, and the smell was a bit less but the farts even louder. Then I stopped eating sweets and now everyone says, “I can’t believe that came from such an emaciated women.” I am so skinny that the wind I blow propels me off the ground. What should I do?

Signed,
Poot, poot

 

Dear Poot poot,

Ahhhh….hmmmm…this one almost had me stumped. But do not fear, the Old Phart is here!

First, change your name to Mary Poofins. Then produce a television series where you play a nanny to two young children who are the only ones who know the secret that you fly when you fart.

Now you will become famous and have millions of young admirers who fall in love with your character. Then one day a young anorexic girl who is trying to emulate you dies from malnutrition. You are blamed for her death and for thousands of females becoming anorexic.  At public appearances, plus-sized models protest your character by pelting you with half-eaten danish (ok they were hungry). At one demonstration you are knocked unconscious by a week-old, hard-as-a-rock, cranberry walnut scone.

Your sponsors leave. Your series is cancelled. You waste away and die in shame leaving a beautiful, non-anorexic  partner behind who will grieve for you the rest of her life.

Is this what you want? Of course not. Gain weigh now! To help you on the road to recovery,  I have enclosed a box of high caloric, easily digestible, Hostess Twinkies. Ok it’s half a box…I got hungry.

Old Phart