Forever Alone?

Dear Old Phart,

I’ve tried it all! Blind dates, set ups, online apps, meeting  guys at bars, at school or at work…. but I still can’t seem to find a “significant other”. What do you think is the best practice? Should I continue dating or just let it come to me? Or give up all together?

Forever Alone

Dear Forever Alone,

From your letter, and the enclosed picture of you sitting on your bed,  I can deduce three things:

  1. you have a substance abuse challenge – as shown by the empty beer bottle on your night stand with the half-smoked doobie balanced on top of it.  A less challenged person would have finished the blunt and left the beer bottle half empty.
  2. you like bad boys–as shown by the poster of the lead singer from the indie band Catastro hanging over your bed.  Stay away from him–he smells like underage teen spirit!
  3. you have a tendency towards sexual promiscuity–as shown by the fact that you are wearing an ASU t-shirt. Go Devils!

But the three character traits named above are not the root cause of your problem. In fact, they remind me of my daughter’s friends character traits–and many of them are happily married; including my daughter.

Your real problem is that you are addicted to emotional turmoil. You love the drama of relationships instead of focusing on the stability they can bring. Sure the short term highs of felt-up, make-up, break-up are exciting but after it’s over you find yourself at the starting gate again.

Change your dating perspective from having a good time to attaining a mate for the long run. Think marathon not the 50 yard dash.

You’ll still need to attend the meet markets, but to change your outcome you’ll need to modify your mating moves so you can meet a companion who merits such a magnificent Miss from Tempe!

Old Phart

 

Single Mom Dating

Dear Old Phart,

I am a 33 year old single mom of two. I work a full time job, get no sleep and barely have time to write this. My friends are constantly trying to fix me up and encourage me to date.  I admit that sometimes I think some male companionship would be nice, but I have no energy to pursue. What’s your advice?

Wake Me Up When You Respond

 

Wakey-Wakey Dear,

I have one word for you: lesbianism.  For the life of me, I don’t get why chicks dig dudes. Most of us are butt ugly, have hygiene challenges and sport an unfathomable obsession with games that involve balls.

Find a lovely lass who will help you with the kids, share the housework and  genuinely enjoys watching HGTV with you. Granted occasionally you will have to go to Australia (down under) but it’s no worse than eating day old spinach artichoke dip.

So forget the serving of petulant pickle and entertain a well-manicured muffin.  Why date a mate with a balding pate and back hair…just go queer my dear!

Old Phart