Life’s a Beach

Dear Old Phart,

I love my wife but she has this thing about beach vendors. Recently we went on a trip to Mexico and before she had taken six steps onto the beach she was surrounded by vendors.

She spoke to them all, bought from almost all of them and promised the rest she would be back. She did “bargain” with them but I bet the final price was not a bargain and the “real” silver jewelry was anything but.

What should I do? I think she’s a beach shopaholic!

Save My Retirement

Dear Save My Retirement,

You can’t fool me. This is not a letter from a random reader. This is from my Appalachian-born, Vietnam vet-bred, mojo-loco brother-in-law who is trying to get me in trouble with my wife!

Yes my brother-in-law Geno is a walking contradiction. He is one of the most talented, conflicted persons of character I have ever known. But Geno you’re not going to use your special ops mind techniques to force me into saying anything negative about my beach shopaholic wife….oops she’s not a beach shopaholic…she’s a wonderful caring careful shopper…who…stop it Geno…I am not going to talk smack about how much my wife spent buying beach jewelry and then forgetting all of it in the hotel when she packed…damn  you Gene!

Stop messing with me. Go back to watching “Finding Bigfoot” on the Animal Channel.

Geno…Ouch, stop twisting my nipples! What’s wrong with you? Wait what, that’s not you? Then who is it?

Oh oh….

Got to go.

Old Phart

Perennial Millennial

Dear Old Phart,

I am a 27 year old Millenial. I am sick and tired of you Boomers brushing us off like some imaginary spec of dust on Jay-Z’s shoulder.

We are proud, hard-working civic minded Americans whose goals and ambitions are just as noteworthy as the generations before us.

My question to you Old Phart is, how do I convey this thought to my parents without them threatening to kick me out of the house again? They’re really becoming annoying; why can’t they just leave me alone?

Perennial Millenial

P.S.:  If I post your blog on my social media can you get me a beta version of the next “Call of Duty” video game?

Dear Millennial,

For thousands of years, people have been stinking up the bathroom when they poop.  Then about a decade ago, some baby boomer thought it would be a neat idea to place a little spray bottle of perfumed scent on the back of the toilet to spritz the air after launching a U-Boat into the waters below.

You know what I mean. You take a dump. It smells. You spray the scent to cover your stink. Then you go to the sink to wash your…wait what?!!!

You use the scent spray before you wash your hands? That means you and everyone who has taken a crap before you has touched their poop encrusted hands on that nozzle right after they wipe their bottom but before they wash. Gross!

See the metaphor here? Boomers want everyone to think that their poop doesn’t stink but their hands are just as dirty as all the generations before them!

Don’t let anyone stereotype your generation. Before we were boomers we were pot smoking, sex crazed, commune living, anti-capitalist hippies who were going to tear apart the fabric of American society. Yet our generation produced such captains of industry as Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, and we created more wealth inequality than any generation before us!

If you are an underperforming egotistic narcissist it’s because you are an underperforming egotistic narcissist….not because you are a Millennial.

Ah wait, ulp. Dang it, I ate too much creamed corn for dinner. Excuse me… gotta run… let’s hope there’s some scent left in that bottle.

Old Phart

Is History Important?

Dear Old Phart,

My college roommate and I were engaged in a late night discussion on whether history is important. He argued it was and used the old bromide that “those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.” I countered that in this age of “fake facts” and instantaneous communication, words are not worth the paper they used to be written on.

What say you?

Yes We Were Stoned

Dear Yes We Were Stoned,

The short answer to your question is that history is important to history teachers but history teachers do not make history. Neither do history majors– unless they get a job in a field other than their major.

History is only important in a social darwinistic sense; that is, you do something based on what others have done or not done (history) that changes how both you and others act or react (making history).

For instance, let’s say you are not as smart as a history major but you inherit a large sum of money.

With this money you make investments and based upon your family legacy,  people and banks give you more money. Over time people believe that you have a history of successful investment so they start to throw ever larger sums of money at you.

Then you convince people that not only are you smarter than a history major, but you are smarter than those who write the first draft of history–journalists.

When you convince all these people how smart you are, even though you’re not, then you can become President of the United States.   Now that’s making history!

And that’s why you now find yourself living  in the Stoned Age.

Old Phart

Forever Alone?

Dear Old Phart,

I’ve tried it all! Blind dates, set ups, online apps, meeting  guys at bars, at school or at work…. but I still can’t seem to find a “significant other”. What do you think is the best practice? Should I continue dating or just let it come to me? Or give up all together?

Forever Alone

Dear Forever Alone,

From your letter, and the enclosed picture of you sitting on your bed,  I can deduce three things:

  1. you have a substance abuse challenge – as shown by the empty beer bottle on your night stand with the half-smoked doobie balanced on top of it.  A less challenged person would have finished the blunt and left the beer bottle half empty.
  2. you like bad boys–as shown by the poster of the lead singer from the indie band Catastro hanging over your bed.  Stay away from him–he smells like underage teen spirit!
  3. you have a tendency towards sexual promiscuity–as shown by the fact that you are wearing an ASU t-shirt. Go Devils!

But the three character traits named above are not the root cause of your problem. In fact, they remind me of my daughter’s friends character traits–and many of them are happily married; including my daughter.

Your real problem is that you are addicted to emotional turmoil. You love the drama of relationships instead of focusing on the stability they can bring. Sure the short term highs of felt-up, make-up, break-up are exciting but after it’s over you find yourself at the starting gate again.

Change your dating perspective from having a good time to attaining a mate for the long run. Think marathon not the 50 yard dash.

You’ll still need to attend the meet markets, but to change your outcome you’ll need to modify your mating moves so you can meet a companion who merits such a magnificent Miss from Tempe!

Old Phart

 

Einstein

 

Dear Old Phart,

I’m trying to find someone who can explain to me the meaning of Einstein’s equation E=MC². You are the smartest person I know Old Phart so if anyone can explain it to me you can.

Inquiring Mind

Dear Inquiring Mind,

Understanding this equation is not as difficult as it seems. Basically what Einstein was saying is that if you take any object (mass) and make it go really, really fast (the speed of light x the speed of light) it will turn into energy (kaboom!). Understand?

No? Ok. Let me explain it another way. Your brain is a lot smaller than Einstein’s. If you took your brain out of your skull and deposited it up your buttocks,  it would be like a bee bee rolling around in a box car.

Understand now?

Old Phart

Participation Trophies

Dear Old Phart,

My five-year old son is currently participating in a T-ball league. It’s one of those set-ups where every kid gets a trophy whether they win or lose. I think handing a kid a trophy when they lose destroys their competitive spirit and gives them a false sense of how life really works. How can I raise my child properly when all these liberal lame brains are trying to make kids feel good instead of showing them how life really works?

Teed Off

Dear Teed Off,

I have a training exercise for you and junior that will help establish the competitive atmosphere you are seeking and reinforce your parenting skills.

Instead of having him try and hit a ball from a stationary tee, balance the ball on top of your head. Then have him swing the bat at the ball as hard as he can so he can express how he really feels about dear ol’ Dad.

For Christ’s sake man, he’s just a 5 year old trying to learn a game. Whether he gets a trophy or not is not going to determine his fate for the rest of his life. What will mess him up though is having an over-competitive dickwad Dad whose parenting skills will turn the kid into a neurotic adult with multiple psychological issues.

When your youngster becomes a fully disfunctional adult  you probably will blame it on the participation trophy he received as a kid instead of the Dad who stole his childhood.

You need to get a life; just make sure it’s someone else’s besides your son’s.

Old Phart

 

Does Jesus Love Me?

Dear Old Phart,

Lately I feel depressed. I have always been religious but the way my life has been going lately, I have  my doubts. Does Jesus really love me?

Questioning

Dear Questioning,

It is natural to question your faith. One can learn religion but one has to find God.

Luckily, I have an easy and reliable test to determine if Jesus loves you. Send a large sum of money to me. Preferably more than you can afford. If something good happens to you after you do this, then Jesus loves you. If your life doesn’t change, than Jesus loves me.

Old Phart

Go Towards The Light

Dear Old Phart,

I have been engaged in a year-long search for spiritual enlightenment. I have studied all the world’s major religions and engaged with each of these groups. After exhaustive study, I have determined that the way of the Sufi is the chosen path for me.

My friends and relatives have mocked me and show utter disdain for my choice. Particularly bothersome has been the attitude of my wife who thinks I am joining a cult. I have tried to engage her in an intellectual discussion of my new found faith but as a former beauty pageant winner outward appearances overshadow her intellectual insight.

What should I do?

Show Me The Way

 

Dear Show Me,

There is a classic Sufi story about the mystic Nasrudin. A student happens upon Nasrudin one evening in front of his house searching for something. The student asks “what are you looking for?” Nasrudin replies, “I lost my house key.” The student asks, “where did you lose it?” Nasrudin replies “in the back yard.” “Then why are you looking in the front yard,” asks the student?” Nasrudin replies, ” because that is where the light is.”

What the story doesn’t tell is that Mrs. Nasrudin is inside the locked house getting porked by her next door neighbor. He found Nasarudin’s key in the backyard and now has easy access to Mrs. Nasrudin’s back door … if you know what I mean.

So yes, by all means, follow your chosen path and become a Sufi! As your spiritual mentor, I am interested in your journey. Please keep in touch and write to me about your experiences. Just remember to write your return address on the envelope; leave a key by the back door and always keep the front porch light on!

Old Phart

 

Musical Merry-Go-Round

Dear Old Phart,

My boyfriend likes hip hop but I like popular contemporary music –think Taylor Swift. We are constantly arguing over song selection. Plus his music gives me a headache. How do I shake it off?

Whiz or Whizout Kahlifa

Dear Whiz,

One person’s symphony is another person’s cacophony. Ditch Kahlifa and find someone who listens to classic rock. He may have a few grey hairs but you can always get him to spring for a vacation at an exotic resort. Beats celebrating your birthday with Master Hip Hop at the local Steak and Shake.

Old Phart