Opioids

Dear Old Phart,

A few months ago I was in a car accident. While healing, I was in intense pain so the doctor prescribed opioids. Well now I’m hooked on them and my prescription is running out. My choices are few: find a new doctor who will write a script, buy the drugs on the black market or switch to the cheapest option…heroin.

I don’t know what to do. I need the drugs to exist; it’s the only thing I crave anymore.

Can you help me?

Desperate

p.s. I’m not Rush Limbaugh

Dear Desperate:

When I was a child I used to crave certain television shows. One of my favorites was “Andy of Mayberry.” This show starred Sheriff Andy Taylor and his son Opie. What does Opie have to do with Opiods? Nothing! Opie never did drugs, which is why he is one of the few childhood stars who became a successful adult and is now an Academy Award winning movie director.

You on the other hand are a crackhead junkie. The road you are going down has no good ending. If you don’t kick the habit you will lose everything and everyone you care about.

Usually in a situation like this, I would recommend counseling and give some wise advice on how to stop addiction. But not with you. I want nothing else to do with a disgusting human being like you.

How dare you try to bribe me by including a fentanyl pill in your letter! You are a dirty disgusting dingus. I don’t do drugs and I can’t be bribed you low-life scumball.

You disgust me. If I were half a man I’d beat your sorry ass. Try to bribe me? Sheesh…

Well ok, maybe I’m being a little too harsh and, as a decent human being, I  should show some empathy for someone who has a debilitating addiction. Lord knows I’m not perfect. Ok Old Phart, take a deep breath…calmer now. Sorry for the rant….hmm… Maybe I’d be doing a service to my readers if I did take the pill you sent, tried drugs just once, to see what it is like to be in your shoes.

Ok. Just once. Here goes. (gulp)…

 

 

 

 

 

 

old PhaRt^

Tech Savy or Tech Sorry?

Dear Old Phart,

Help! I think I am an addict…to technology. I am so wired to my Facebook, email, Instagram, Snapchat, Pinterest and other social media that I never get any rest.  I am constantly checking my phone for messages, getting dinged and sending words and images to the infosphere. I live half my life on earth; the other half in cyberspace.

I don’t sleep well and when I am awake I am a bundle of nerves. I want to be tech savvy but instead I have become tech sorry.

How can I connect to the modern world and still interconnect  to the human world?

Disfunction Junction

Dear Disfunction Junction,

Groucho Marx, a legendary cigar chomping comedian, hosted a show called “You Bet Your Life.” During the show he asked a contestant if he had children. The contestant responded, “Yes Groucho I have 8 kids.” Groucho asked, “Why do you have so many kids?” The contestant responded, “I love my wife.” Groucho added, “I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while!”

It’s time you took the cigar out of your mouth. Even the most pleasurable activities can become unpleasant when they become obsessive. Luckily you have the Old Phart to help you through this problem using a very effective technique called guided meditation.

First, close your eyes.  Now relax.  Take deep breathes.  Now imagine the most attractive person that ever walked the earth is standing in front of you clad only in bikini briefs. (But you can’t use Joan Rivers–she’s my fantasy!) Now just as you two are about to embrace, you get a text message. Annoyed, you stop what you are doing and check the message. Poof, your fantasy disappears.

Now open your eyes to how disfunctional your life has become. Your addiction to social media is making you a technological neurotic. At first the tension on your central nervous system goes unnoticed, but over time it will suck the sanctity from your soul, like a high tech sexually transmitted disease.

The pleasure is not worth the pain. Your only hope is to set down the phone, put on your big girl panties (oops, those are Joan’s) , and kick technology to the curb.

Yes go cold turkey. No matter how much you think you need social media, you need to turn off your lust for it.

Just take the cigar out of your mouth. Your love for the virtual world is akin to Joan River’s love life: “It’s like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it is missing and what’s there stinks!”

Old Phart