Dear Old Phart,
I keep reading about the Tide Pod Challenge where teens dare each other to place a Tide detergent pod in their mouth for as long as they can while they video what they are doing. When I was a kid, we used to swallow gold fish–it was a lot healthier!
What’s wrong with kids these days?
Dear Big Gulp,
I can’t tell you what is wrong with kids these days, but I can tell my readers how dangerous it is to ingest a detergent pod. What really bothers me however is that the main-stream media is missing the bigger story here; the media just focuses on the dangers of eating Tide pods–there are a whole lot of other things they should be warning people not to do with a detergent pod.
So as a service to my readers, I will list some of the things one should not do with a Tide detergent pod:
- Don’t use a Tide pod as a suppository.
- Don’t use a Tide pod as a replacement for your glass eye. (Although it would look way cool!)
- Don’t use a Tide pod as a replacement for those pills people slip into drinks to render their victim unconscious or kill them. Your victim will be screaming hysterically before the pod has its desired effect. (You listening to this Bill Cosby?)
- Don’t use a Tide pod as a replacement for a Halloween treat when you run out of candy. How stupid can you be? Kids don’t do laundry!
- Don’t use a Tide pod as a replacement for the miniature candy you stole from the assorted chocolate gift box. It’s a good way to lose a girlfriend.
- Don’t use a Tide pod as a hand sanitizer. It actually works really well but you can only do it once. After the first time you use it, you have no more hand skin left to sanitize.
And last but not least,
7. Don’t use Tide pods to do laundry. Get off you fat patootie and pour regular detergent into a measuring cup. What are you thinking having something as potentially dangerous as a Tide detergent pod laying around the house? That would be like having an unsecured loaded handgun laying around a house full of kids. Oh…you have kids and you do have a loaded gun laying around your house? Hmm, maybe you should use a Tide pod as a suppository.