Dear Abby

Dear Old Phart,

I love your column. I think it is smart, funny and insightful. And I am envious of your easy-going writing style. Even though I have never seen or met you, I think I am developing a crush on the Old Phart.

Because of professional reasons, I can’t disclose my real identity. Please just call me,

Dear Abby’s Daughter

Dear Dear Abby’s Daughter,

I know who you are and what you do. You have been ghost writing your Mom’s “Dear Abby”column since she passed away five years ago.  I’ve read many of your columns and my opinion is that you are a poor representation of your Mom’s legacy.  I find your columns unoriginal, uninsightful and uninspiring.

Let’s pretend for a moment that I am you and am responding to the letter you wrote. Your response would read something like this:

“Dear Dear Abby’s Daughter,

There is something not right about you having a crush on someone you don’t know. Is your hubby that insipid that you desire someone called the ‘Old Phart’ over the man you married?  You and your husband need to go to counseling before your marriage shipwrecks on the rocky shores of false desire.

And concerning your envy of the Old Phart’s writing, I suggest you work on improving your written communication skills. Perhaps take a creative writing course. I’m sure your local community college offers writing courses that would be both instructive and reasonably priced”

Well Dear Abby’s daughter, the Old Phart did take a creative writing course at a local community college many years ago. And I was thrown out half-way through the semester! So much for that unoriginal idea. And if I had a half-dollar for every time you advised someone go to counseling as a solution to their problem, I’d be richer than the rap star “50 Cent.”

My advice to you is stop living in Mommy’s shadow. Cease writing “Dear Abby” columns and sign over all your syndication rights to me.  In return I will give you 3% of all  revenues. This will allow you to buy anything you want from the McDonald ‘s dollar menu every day for the rest of your pathetic, sycophantic life.

However I know you will not follow any of my words of advice. That’s because you are an advice columnist. You can give advice, but you can’t take it.

Old Phart

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