Perennial Millennial

Dear Old Phart,

I am a 27 year old Millenial. I am sick and tired of you Boomers brushing us off like some imaginary spec of dust on Jay-Z’s shoulder.

We are proud, hard-working civic minded Americans whose goals and ambitions are just as noteworthy as the generations before us.

My question to you Old Phart is, how do I convey this thought to my parents without them threatening to kick me out of the house again? They’re really becoming annoying; why can’t they just leave me alone?

Perennial Millenial

P.S.:  If I post your blog on my social media can you get me a beta version of the next “Call of Duty” video game?

Dear Millennial,

For thousands of years, people have been stinking up the bathroom when they poop.  Then about a decade ago, some baby boomer thought it would be a neat idea to place a little spray bottle of perfumed scent on the back of the toilet to spritz the air after launching a U-Boat into the waters below.

You know what I mean. You take a dump. It smells. You spray the scent to cover your stink. Then you go to the sink to wash your…wait what?!!!

You use the scent spray before you wash your hands? That means you and everyone who has taken a crap before you has touched their poop encrusted hands on that nozzle right after they wipe their bottom but before they wash. Gross!

See the metaphor here? Boomers want everyone to think that their poop doesn’t stink but their hands are just as dirty as all the generations before them!

Don’t let anyone stereotype your generation. Before we were boomers we were pot smoking, sex crazed, commune living, anti-capitalist hippies who were going to tear apart the fabric of American society. Yet our generation produced such captains of industry as Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, and we created more wealth inequality than any generation before us!

If you are an underperforming egotistic narcissist it’s because you are an underperforming egotistic narcissist….not because you are a Millennial.

Ah wait, ulp. Dang it, I ate too much creamed corn for dinner. Excuse me… gotta run… let’s hope there’s some scent left in that bottle.

Old Phart

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