Dear Old Phart,
My five-year old son is currently participating in a T-ball league. It’s one of those set-ups where every kid gets a trophy whether they win or lose. I think handing a kid a trophy when they lose destroys their competitive spirit and gives them a false sense of how life really works. How can I raise my child properly when all these liberal lame brains are trying to make kids feel good instead of showing them how life really works?
Dear Teed Off,
I have a training exercise for you and junior that will help establish the competitive atmosphere you are seeking and reinforce your parenting skills.
Instead of having him try and hit a ball from a stationary tee, balance the ball on top of your head. Then have him swing the bat at the ball as hard as he can so he can express how he really feels about dear ol’ Dad.
For Christ’s sake man, he’s just a 5 year old trying to learn a game. Whether he gets a trophy or not is not going to determine his fate for the rest of his life. What will mess him up though is having an over-competitive dickwad Dad whose parenting skills will turn the kid into a neurotic adult with multiple psychological issues.
When your youngster becomes a fully disfunctional adult you probably will blame it on the participation trophy he received as a kid instead of the Dad who stole his childhood.
You need to get a life; just make sure it’s someone else’s besides your son’s.