Dear Old Phart,
My husband and I are debating whether we should send our child to public, charter or private school. He will be entering kindergarten next year. What are your thoughts?
Dear School Me,
What’s that thumping noise? Oh my god it’s getting louder… Quick, take cover! It’s a Huey attack helicopter …sh*t my Vietnam War PTSD is acting up…oh wait, I didn’t go to Vietnam.
No, that’s the sound of a modern helicopter…you’re becoming a helicopter parent. Whether you decide to send sonny boy to public or private school won’t make one whit of difference in whom your little prince becomes.
School choice is more for the parent than the child. If you don’t send your kid to the more elite option you will be blaming the school for all his shortcomings.
The bigger problem is that you are neurotic millennial dickward parents. Your kid will grow up with huge emotional problems and no initiative because you’ll only allow him to go to scheduled play dates and structured functions.
You really want him to grow up? Let him walk to school unsupervised. Have bullies steal his lunch money. He won’t learn a thing until he has experienced a wedgie so extreme that his underwear is pulled over his head so tightly that his adolescence is delayed two years. Little Lord Fauntleroy will become so bitter at the world that he’ll grow up to become an asshole entrepreneur who rips people off, but at least he will survive in a post Trumpian society.
If you keep babying Master Bater he’ll have no clue how to survive on his own and will end up living in your basement far longer than you want. What you don’t have a basement? So where is that muffled sound coming from…